


Always Across From You

by 51stcenturygirl



Series: My future is our future and I will spend it with you [11]
Category: Downton Abbey
Genre: Abuse, Angst, Flashbacks, Friendship, Gen, Humor, Hurt/Comfort, Injury, M/M, One Shot, Period-Typical Homophobia, Prison, Unrequited Love, fear of the dark, missing chapter, solely Chris's pov, thomas and chris have a connection
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-03-15
Updated: 2021-03-15
Packaged: 2021-03-24 01:06:48
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,935
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/30064308
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/51stcenturygirl/pseuds/51stcenturygirl
Summary: Chris Webster feels so close but yet so far from Thomas Barrow. As he waits on the kitchen floor injured and in pain he thinks about their time together and how he sees him.
Relationships: Thomas Barrow & Chris Webster, Thomas Barrow/Richard Ellis
Series: My future is our future and I will spend it with you [11]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/2077305
Kudos: 13





	Always Across From You

**Author's Note:**

> This one shot takes place within chapter 10 of my other story 'Coming Home' and also references events written about in 'In Thirty Years, I'll Still Love You'. For context, I would recommend reading those first before you read this as it will make more sense then.   
> This is also written solely from Chris Webster's pov.  
> Title inspired by 'I See You' by Mika.  
> Also inspired by 'Cry' by Take That. Sad, but I was listening to these songs before I wrote this and I think they fit Chris's relationship with Thomas well.

It was his luck, he supposed as he lay in an uncomfortable position unable to move off Thomas and Richard's kitchen floor. His luck, or more likely the lack of it, that left him collapsed on the cold stone floor with a seized up, injured, useless excuse of a leg in the dark on the one of the few nights where Richard was stuck in York and where Thomas wouldn't be home for hours. He supposed that it could have been worse, he could be lying in a ditch on his way home somewhere.  _ Yes that would be worse,  _ he thought as his head began to ache with the pain of his leg.

His injured leg: the result of an unfair punishment for an imaginary crime, although not so imaginary in the eyes of the law and its upholders. He could have managed maybe. Managed to forget about those three years locked up in the dark in York jail if he didn't have a constant reminder of his time there. The injury being a result of his fellow prisoners knowing about why he was locked up amongst them. The guards knew too, it was why they let them do it, and why they joined in beating up the queer, teaching the stain on humanity a lesson he wouldn't forget. He would never forget, it was impossible too. His only victory was that the man who he punched so hard in his face that he knocked out his two front teeth, and the man who now has a wonky nose, won't forget it either. 

Chris looked around him, his eyes now adjusted to the darkness. It was all so normal, so domestic. There were some plates that hadn't been washed up on the side, a jar of coffee in the corner next to the biscuit tin near the kettle. A book with a neat leather bookmark on top the table above him, just in view, that he knew Richard was reading a few days ago. Thomas's perfect life laid out before him. Perhaps that would be a thought that would have come across as bitter, if it was about anyone else other than Thomas Barrow, but since it wasn't he meant nothing bad by thinking it. Thomas deserved the world in his mind, though he didn't want the world, just a small part of it to call his own and someone to share it with. He has those two things now. _ Thomas's world wasn't always perfect though, _ Chris thought. He never says much about the days pre-Richard. Chris knows that he, like many men like them, was pushed away by his family at a young age. He knows how he did anything to improve his career and chances at life, and that it has cost him many times. Chris knows how low Thomas once went. Thomas never told him but he has seen the scars on the inside of his wrists. He felt them when they danced together. He is no fool- he knows what they are the result of, and he curses anyone who made Thomas feel he had no way out and no worth. He was glad that Thomas got away when he did that night, even if he headed straight for the arms of another man, and never left them. He never stopped thinking of him during those three years or the year that followed, but he never wanted Thomas to be with him as that would have meant that he would have had to suffer the same fate as him. He couldn't allow that.

Richard's coat was just visible in the hallway outside the kitchen at the bottom of the stairs. One of them anyway, Richard had the other with him of course. Richard was practical, so he had a spare.  _ Richard Ellis, _ Chris thought.  _ I hated him at first. He was the only thing in between me and Thomas. And he was always so perfect.  _ Chris could see why Thomas loved him. He saved him for one thing. Played the dashing hero and pulled an incredibly brave or stupid stunt to get Thomas out before he could be charged.  _ But Thomas liked him before that, so maybe I never had a chance to begin with.  _ Richard Ellis is perfect,  _ well he must have some flaws as everyone does, but it was hard to think of any. _ He is charming, funny, brave, handsome (as in he should be in the movies sort of handsome), generous, loving, intelligent, the list goes on. All these reasons and more are why Thomas has a life with Richard and not him. He should be jealous, and he absolutely was once, but it is hard to be jealous and spiteful towards the one person who makes Thomas happy and who completes him. It is also hard considering he had benefited from Richard's kind nature.  _ He is a very forgiving man,  _ Chris thought as he remembered how he had kissed Thomas a few months ago. Thomas told Richard as he couldn't lie to the man he loved and as a result, Chris had almost ruined everything for Thomas. He had been tempted to leave promptly after that, although Thomas had asked him to stay for a few days so he did. It was because of this that he was outside one late evening across the street from Richard's shop. He just found himself standing there. He had been standing under an overhanging roof of a shop opposite, sheltered from the worst of the terrible wind and rain, when he saw Thomas slam the door and storm out in a rage into the rain. He could still see it now. How Thomas just stood there, letting the rain soak him, his shirt sticking to his skin. He turned his face to the angry clouds and rain above, him breathing heavily.  _ Something’s happened,  _ Chris remembered thinking as he watched Thomas that night. He wanted to go over to him, to try to help or to ask what was wrong, but he knew deep down that he was the cause of Thomas's pain and so he was unable to move from the spot he was standing in. He remembered hearing something smash inside the kitchen, followed by a shout that sounded like Richard. It was certain to him then that they had argued about him and that kiss. So he had just watched, helplessly as Thomas trudged off in the rain towards Downton.

Chris looked back at Richard's coat again. "Mind's wondering again you fool," he said to himself. Despite everything that happened though, everything worked out in the end and thanks to Richard's shining personality, he had offered him the job. Even more surprisingly, after only a few weeks it turned out that they got on rather well, much to Thomas's relief. He and Richard are friends now as well as colleagues, and Richard trusts him. He has a good life now, all things considered and in comparison to how things were, so he shouldn't really complain.  _ My luck maybe doesn't suck that much after all.  _ Chris laughed a little, in spite of himself.  _ Perhaps it is the cold, or the pain, or maybe I'm just losing it, _ he thought. None of this was supposed to happen. He only turned up in Downton back in early October to see Thomas again. He hoped for more but he never expected it...

**_Early October 1931 Downton..._ **

_ It was the third day wanderinging around Downton village and the surrounding area hoping to bump into Thomas Barrow and if Chris was honest with himself he wondered if he was wasting his time. 'He may not even be in Downton anymore,' he thought as he stopped under a tree on the edge of a deserted narrow lane. He had lived in a city all his life and it was odd in a way to be surrounded by so much 'nothing and no one'. Odd but comforting in a way as no one seeing you meant no one could judge you. It was a pleasant day. The sun was shining through the leaves above his head creating a cool dappled shade, and if it wasn't just a bit too much on the cold side, the day could be mistaken for one belonging to late spring. He didn't know how much longer he should keep trying to see him. The easiest option would just be to walk right up to Downton and ask if he was there, but Thomas wouldn't thank him for any questions about a strangers visit that he would be bound to get later on.  _

_ Chris found himself in the village once again. He hoped that people here would not pay too much attention to a stranger in their community, but he would be pushing his luck if he stayed too much longer. Besides, he was low on money and there was not much opportunity to come across some means of finance, legal or otherwise (he was not in a position to obey the law all of the time now), around here. He had spent most of what he got from the last time on accommodation for himself in Downton, as although he was no stranger to sleeping rough now, he would prefer to be presentable if he were to see Thomas again. It got to the latter half of the morning when Chris was about to leave his spot on a bench on the opposite side of the road to the village post office, when he saw him.  _

_ Chris had almost forgotten what Thomas had looked like. He had saved images of him from those hours they spent together over four years ago in his mind, but as hard as he tried, he couldn't stop memories from fading. He had images in his mind of this tall man flushed with giddiness from hours of dancing with him in his arms, shirt loose, carefree, laughing, his gorgeous black hair loose over his forehead. He tried to forget the fear in his face when the police showed up; when his whole expression and being changed completely. He was at a distance but he looked the same, not much older and walking towards the post office with confidence. He was dressed smartly, presumably he must have walked down from the Abbey, although the breeze had ruffled his otherwise neat appearance. Chris found himself unsure of what to do next. This is the moment he'd been waiting for and yet, he found himself uselessly unable to move. 'Perhaps I should wait until he has come out of the post office and is on his way back to Downton?,' he thought as he watched Thomas, who was unaware that he was being watched keenly. He decided to go for it, fearing he may miss his opportunity. So he crossed the road behind a passing van, using the van as cover so Thomas wouldn't see him. Stupid perhaps but he wanted to make the first move. Thomas though didn't go into the post office straight away, he stopped rather suddenly, hanging back outside. Chris was now just around the corner of the post office, not far from where Thomas was standing. He had just lit up a cigarette, and had rolled his eyes. 'He's listening in,' Chris thought, smirking as he hid behind the wall out of sight. Chris heard some of the conversation going on in the post office too. He wasn't really properly listening as he didn't know who the 'woman in the red coat' that the three women were gossiping about, was. Their conversation got his full attention though when he heard one of them say, "Mr Barrow lives there too now, and we all know what they say about him." Chris felt tense and he risked a look around the corner to see Thomas had gone rigid as well. Thomas then angrily stamped out his cigarette and walked into the post office, putting a sudden stop to the gossip. Chris smiled, 'I like your style Mr Barrow,' he thought admiringly. _

_ Chris waited until Thomas left the post office. He wasn't there long, which was hardly surprising, given the company. He saw him come out of the post office looking less than composed. He seemed to be trying to get himself back together. Chris stepped out from behind the wall. Thomas had his back to him, and Chris saw him breathe out slowly, as in relief. 'Now or never Chris,' he told himself before he walked closer to Thomas, who still hadn't noticed he was standing almost right behind him. "Thomas," Chris said. _

_ Thomas didn't turn around and for a moment Chris wondered if he had actually spoken Thomas's name or merely just thought it. But then he turned around, shock on his face, unguarded. "Chris?" Thomas asked, quietly. _

_ 'He remembers me!' Chris thought before answering Thomas confidently. "Hello again Thomas. Been a while hasn't it?" _

_... _

Chris jumped awake. He heard a key in the lock and a wave of fear rushed through him when, for a horrifying moment, he thought he was back in his cell in York jail. He then saw the silhouette of the kitchen table leg in front of him, and then he remembered where he really was. It was a relief but now he knew he would have to face feeling vulnerable in front of Thomas, who was bound to give him sympathy, which he didn't want, especially from him. 

"Are you okay?" Thomas asked a minute or so after he had arrived and recovered from the shock of finding him on his kitchen floor in the dark. Chris really didn't want to hide in the dark and make Thomas jump but he didn't know what to say. Chris heard the concern in Thomas's voice.  _ Don't blame him, he's not an idiot he can see you are in pain and he cares for you,  _ Chris thought as Thomas spoke.

"Leg chose an inconvenient moment to completely cease up. I was about to leave you see, so I'd already switched off the light. Otherwise I wouldn't have been sitting waiting in the dark," Chris said. He tried to sound jovial but he ended up sounding pathetic, trying to justify his situation.

“You’ve been here for hours?” Thomas asked, concerned.

"Yeah and I wasn't exactly living in great hope of you showing up. Thought maybe you would sleep at Downton tonight," he said. Richard was not home and he wondered if Thomas would see the point of coming back to an empty home. Clearly though he did.

"I prefer my own bed Chris really," Thomas said. "If I knew I would have come home sooner."

_ And how would you know Thomas?  _ Chris thought, feeling his defences creeping up although there was no need for them. Not with him. "I can manage on my own for a few hours Thomas," Chris said back.  _ What's a few hours compared to years? _

"Been a bit longer than that," Thomas said. "Four and a half hours to be exact." Chris noticed the look in Thomas's face. He looked wary of him, as if he wondered how long he should stay.  _ Don't go,  _ he thought. 

"Yeah well I don't need or want your sympathy Thomas," Chris heard himself snap at Thomas, who looked shocked.  _ No I don't mean it! I'm sorry I shouldn't have shouted,  _ Chris wanted to say, although that would mean swallowing his pride.

What happened next was strange and totally unexpected. He saw a tiny smile flick across Thomas's face, so small it would have been easy to miss. "Fine! You are an idiot and a fool and it is your own fault for getting yourself into this stupid situation! It is quite frankly pathetic just to be lying there on the floor," Thomas said.

Chris found himself smiling at Thomas's intentional insult and Thomas then, to his delight, smiled back. Then they both laughed. It was definitely very odd, but comforting in a strange way.

...

"May I?" Thomas asked him after explaining how he has some medical knowledge due to being a medic in the war, working in a hospital and running Downton as a convalescent home. Chris would have loved to have seen Thomas in charge, to have been a fly on the wall when he was bossing everyone else about. He was sure that he was good at it, leading that is. Maybe, it was early training for when he became head of the Downton staff.

"Be my guest," Chris said as Thomas knelt down next to him. "It's around the knee and a bit below that," he explained. He watched as Thomas gently felt around the back of his knee and then around the sides. Thomas didn't notice as he was too busy looking at his knee but Chris shut his eyes for a few seconds, not because of the pain but because of his touch. He both loved and hated being around Thomas almost every day, but he had missed how he actually felt. Thomas had a wound on one of his hands, from the war, that he usually kept underneath a glove, but despite this his touch was gentle. Expert. Chris could tell he had training. He opened his eyes again, trying to keep a neutral expression so Thomas didn't notice how he was affecting him. As far as Chris was aware, Thomas didn't notice as he had gone into full 'medical mode'. His thoughts shattered though when Thomas touched the most painful part of his knee and he cried out, "Fuck!"

Thomas stopped and looked up concerned. "Sorry but I think I am right. The muscles feel very stiff, they need warming up." 

Chris was concerned that Thomas would offer a massage but maybe neither of them felt comfortable with that sort of treatment. Thomas however, had another solution and went off upstairs to fetch some type of cushion he said would work wonders. Chris was left alone again, this time with the light on. Thomas was only gone a few minutes; he heard him upstairs rummaging around in the spare room that, to everyone apart from Richard, Thomas and himself, was Thomas's room he rented. He sounded very pleased with himself as he explained about the cushion and warmed it up. The relief he felt as he placed the warm cushion on his leg was wonderful as he felt the warm slowly flow through him, causing him to shiver pleasantly. He cautiously moved his leg again. It still hurt, he never expected the pain to fully go, but it was so much better. "It feels a lot better already," he said. "I don't know how I can thank you."

"Well getting off my floor would be a good start. You're making the place look scruffy," Thomas said, looking as serious as he could but failing to hide the twinkle in his eyes as he spoke. 

"My apologies," Chris said, only half seriously as he caught on to Thomas's sense of humour. They seemed to be the same in that way. Neither of them was full of humour like some people are, they carried too many burdens from the past for that, but when they did make a joke it was effortless between them. 

"Here," Thomas said as he offered him his hand to pull him up off the floor. Chris hesitated for a minute as he caught Thomas's gaze for a moment, before taking his hand as Thomas pulled him up. He stretched, and although there was a twinge of pain and he felt incredibly stiff all over, he felt better than he had done in the whole evening.

...

"Thanks," Chris said as he sat opposite Thomas at the kitchen table. He briefly wondered if he was sitting in Richard's usual spot. "Not just for this but for turning up. I don't think I could take another moment of being trapped in the dark." Chris felt his voice feel weak as he spoke. He looked worryingly in Thomas's direction. If Thomas noticed he didn't let it show.

"Never took you as someone who is scared of the dark," Thomas said. There was no judgement in his voice, none whatsoever.

Chris sighed. He had been determined not to appear vulnerable or weak. He hated that because if he did, then people would at best pity him, and at worst take advantage of him. "Not usually, but tonight stuck here alone, it took a lot of effort not to feel like I was back there again." He couldn't look at Thomas now. He had said too much, and he waited for Thomas to ask what he was talking about; what 'there' he was referring too. But he didn't.

"The mind can play tricks on us all." Thomas knew what he was talking about even though he never said it.

"I can't ever go back," Chris said as he felt his voice shake a bit. Gone were the moments of trying to convince Thomas and himself that this whole dilemma this evening was 'no big deal' or something to laugh about. He was spilling out every thought in his mind. Well most of those thoughts anyway. "I'm scared that I'll do something to make me end up back there." All this talk brought up the memories of their evening together after the police showed up. He remembered how pale Thomas had gone when they were all pushed into that cell at the police station, the officers calling them awful things. He didn't say anything, neither of them did. He just remembered how Thomas had taken his hand as they sat there against the wall in the dark. He took it, then immediately let go as if he remembered what he was doing. Then Thomas took his hand again, remembering that there was no point hiding anymore as they were caught anyway. He had nothing to lose. Chris didn't know how long they were in that cell, but he remembered how later a police officer called for Thomas saying he should come with them. That was the last time Chris saw him, until that day outside the post office in Downton village. He had worried about whether they had taken him to interrogate him, but he never came back and they never took anyone else. He later found out that Thomas got out. That someone came in and freed him. He later found out that the person was Richard. It was clear then that Richard must have loved Thomas a great deal before that evening in York. It was a incredibly stupid thing to do, and not something you would do for just anyone. Chris still had that fear though, of seeing Thomas in that cell. He didn't want to ever go back,  _ but what really scares me is doing something to send you there,  _ he thought.

"You're going nowhere near that place again. You're in a good place here, not a bad decision to come after me in the end really. You're safe here," Thomas said. Chris saw Thomas move his hand away from the edge of the table and it looked like he was going to reach over the table towards him, but something stopped him and he withdrew his hand again.

It was then that everything Chris had thought and said about not wanting sympathy came into question. He didn't, not normally, but now he wanted nothing more than Thomas to give him just that. A little bit of comfort.  _ I'm not yours Thomas, but I won't shatter into several pieces like porcelain if you do touch me.  _

**Author's Note:**

> A bit of a different story than I normally write bit I hope you enjoyed it, I know I have tugged at heartstrings a bit.


End file.
